Alright, so All week I have done the informative kind of thing. Today I’m changing it up. I’m going to just write as if in a journal. I’m hoping it will help people realize that some of the things I’m going through may be similar to what you’re going through. I want this to be inspirational, but I do not, in any way want it to be gossip or a pity party. I’m not a doctor, so none of this is meant to have you use as a replacement for such services. In fact, today I’m hoping it will inspire you to actually go to the doctor. Sometimes you never know what you’ll get, and even if you’re a doctor yourself, an outside opinion is always good. Because that can give you a better perspective from their external view. Not to mention, I don’t know any mommy that keeps an ex-ray machine or MRI machine or anything like that in some storage space within their house.
So, here goes nothing…
About five weeks ago I finally started seeing a doctor again. I’ve been in pain for a while, and had been seeing a doctor only to be frusterated with the treatment because we weren’t finding an answer. Now, that wasn’t the only reason I had stopped seeing my doctors, especially my primary, but that’s reason enough. Everyone gets frusterated, sometimes, with the lack of answers.
I’ve prayed and prayed and prayed that these things would be resolved, and I’ve prayed for healing as well. I find it difficult, though, since I don’t know what is going on, so what do you pray for, right? So I prayed general healing and help because what else can I do? I also prayed about the decision to go back to the doctor, and who should I pick? The doctor that was my current primary at the time, my previous, or a new one. What was the lesser of the three evils.
So one day, about 5 weeks or so back, I just stopped by a doctor’s office recommended to me by a friend because calling hadn’t worked. I got an appointment right away. This doctor was absolutely wonderful. He listened to me, and didn’t judge me. I have a pretty high pain tolerance, so this is HUGE that he didn’t judge me. It took two appointments to get through our main concerns. He put me on some medication, and listened when I told him I didn’t want the “new doctor bandage, Norco,” (as I like to call it). So he actually agreed and doesn’t like to hand that out like candy anyways (one of many prayers answered btw!!!) And we schedule up some tests to get started.
What we thought we were looking at was chronic pain from a back surgery I had back in 2008, pain in the hip, and unknown nerve issues, loss of strength, and loss of reflex as well as another new thing…vertigo. So, at this point, it’s another barrage of tests. Oh yeah, he also listened to me about my concerns for watching for possible breast cancer, and he was upset to find out that reguardless of weather I have asked in the past or not, given my family history of breast cancer among other cancers, this should have been monitored since I had been the age of 25. I’m 33 now, and it is only 1 year prior to the age my mother was when she found her lump.
So, he tried some shots for pain in the hips, and sent me on my way. We had also discussed how the medication was working. Rescheduled for a few weeks later, and I was on my way.
Three weeks ago, I had decided I was feeling fairly mobile, got some actual cleaning done (FINALLY!! YAY!!), and was happy to go get some shopping done and go visit my mother. So, the bugs and I were off, ran my errands, then went and sat and had coffee with my parents. (I had coffee, not the buggies) The last thing I remember, it was 6pm, I had a bought of vertigo going and a migraine starting. This is about normal for me now a days. I had been shaking due to what I thought was the vertigo, and it intensified. It’s happened before so I didn’t think much of it, but I surely wasn’t going to put my kids in my van and drive off just so I could go lay down. So, I had let it go and figured I’d wait it out.
I remember a few clips from there. I cried because I couldn’t stop the shaking. I stumbled as My Mom and Stepfather took me outside and tried to get me into his truck. It was light and dark and light and dark (this was us going down the road, but I didn’t know that at the time). Then my feet were dragging in a wheelchair. On a bed and people were moving me asking questions that I could hardly answer. It started getting a bit more clear and I remember the first CT scan trying to move from one bed to another, then I was back in my room and my Husband and parents were there. When it really hit that I was in the hospital, I started to look around and almost puked realizing I had an IV in and it was 8:30pm. What happened to the time, I have no idea. And some of the time in the beginning of this I remember clearly thinking…screaming in my head that I was fine, to let me rest but terrified because I couldn’t make my mouth work to communicate, and couldn’t lift my arms or legs to let anyone know.
So my family let me know I had had a seizure, and described it and filled me in on what I missed. It’s a scary thing to know that you lost time and really have no clue what happened in between. AND THANK THE LORD I WASN’T DRIVING!!!!
After all of this, due to the way I came in, one of the things the ER diagnosed me with was Altered Mental Status. Which means that I can no longer drive for a minimum of 6 months without a seizure unless a doctor says otherwise. This changed my life alone, not to mention the buggies life.
We spent Valentines Day with me recovering, and nervous to do anything at all, especially leave the house, Now every day I have to watch myself closely. When I thought I was recovered, daddy bug took me to the store to get me out of the house. I almost collapsed because I was so dizzy. I haven’t even been to church since all of this happened. Then last week it happened again…in front of Belly bug, and I barely remember the majority of it.
I must have cried a lot during it, because she asked me why I was crying and if I was going to be okay. Nothing like scarring your children for life with an experience like that.
Meanwhile, I finally get my first Mammogram, and they found something odd so they did an ultrasound and still couldn’t tell what it was. So now, with all the dizziness, fuzzy brain that makes it hard to talk, work my limbs, and other function issues and other weirdness that has changed our lives…Now I have to go and get a biopsy done.
If that seems like a lot, well it kind of is. But I’m still going. I feel stupid often. I’m pissed off a lot. But, I am alive and God is with me the whole way. He has helped me through this, and all I have to do is ask. And I do. I speak to him as if he were standing next to me, and it doesn’t bother me or embarrass me to do so. When I’m scared he comforts me, when I’m in pain he soothes me. And when I don’t know wtf is going on, great thing is that he does.
In all the trouble that has been going on I find myself growing closer to God, and I was already doing that before all of this new stuff was happening. Not because of it. I’m finding myself running into people that are also about the same spiritual level as I am or higher that are effecting my life in a positive way. And I’ve always stuck along the lines of, “If God leads you to it, He will lead you through it.” Although I know that God did not cause these in me, I know that he will still lead me. So, I guess it’s more the footprints in the sand thing.
Yes, I would be lying to say I wasn’t concerned about the negative possibilities. But, frankly, the only way the outcome will turn out negative is if I turn away. I WILL get through it if I lay it at the feet of Jesus. And I plan to do that exactly.
Now, I’d normally wrap it up and close my journal (which when I keep one it is normally a basic notebook or my laptop, but if it’s writeable it works). Then I would pray:
Thank you for all you have gifted me. Thank you for all the that is in my life, and especially my family and the small things. But, most of all, thank you for carrying me. I know those footprints left behind are yours. And regardless of me being about as big as a house right now (*giggles*), I know you will never tire of carrying your child through.
I am asking you to take all these problems, health the like. Take them from me and mine, I lay them at your feet. I know that you will light my way and allow me to shine in your name. Thank you, God.
In the name of Jesus,